Thank you for submitting to the ——- Review. After much consideration, we regret to inform you that your short story, “Photograph of Four Woman,” will not be included in this upcoming issue. Inundated with incredible stories, poems, and art, we are forced to select only a handful of pieces. We encourage you to submit again to the ——— Review and admire the courage and the dedication to creativity that it requires to submit your work to us.
The Editor Whose Name I’m Omitting.
I usually try to refrain from making fun of my rejections, because I actually feel do sorry for the people who have to write them. But just because I’m in that kind of mood…what do we think of the last little bit about “admiring the courage and dedication it requires?” Isn’t it a little like looking at little Jimmy’s fucked up drawing of a fire-engine and saying, “I really admire the passion and dedication it takes to use that much red crayon!”
What else? Have I mentioned I’m getting old? Tonight I was lying on the couch, procrastinating on my thesis. I raised my arm, and bent it over my head. My eyes idly wandered to the soft white skin on the inside of my elbow and I noticed with horror that it’s getting crepey! Not really loose, but enough to be terrifying…It’s the beginning of the end. Well, the actual beginning of the end was a few months ago when I notice the tiny pull of lizard gobble between the underside of my chin and my neck. If you see me in person, don’t look too closely.
It’s unfair that I got skin the thickness of tissue paper, and Paul got eskimo skin so thick you can’t even pinch it between two finger. But at least I got the superior mutant power. I just haven’t discovered it yet.