Conflicted

I have been working on decision-making as a skill my entire life, and I’m still fairly bad at it.

We have a rehearsal for a pitching event at school this morning at which attendance is not required, but requested. It will be followed closely by my niece’s “princess birthday party” this afternoon–I am still in the process of pressing and cleaning my “Fairy Godmother” dress I found at Jet Rag earlier this week. Tonight there is a art show featuring someone loosely connected to my parents, and two different Birthday celebrations. And our D is visiting this weekend…his number of visits diminishing as he prepares to move to Japan in June.

I have been to every rehearsal so far. Today is faculty/alumni day, so I guess if I want faculty and alumni to know I come to these things, today is the day I should go. However it means the performers really have people to perform to that they probably care about (and rightly so) more than me. At some point the lack of my body might mean they have to pitch to each other. Not the end of the world. And yet the guilt…

And yet the guilt if I don’t write…now less than seven days from the May 1 deadline for scholarship scripts, final school projects, assistant applications.

Do I tend to have an inflated view of my own importance? Do I still have ill-tended boundaries? Should I be more protective and passionate about my own goals? Or is it just a little lazy and selfish?

My stomach literally knots up over these little decisions, on a fairly consistent basis…is that normal? No one else really talks about it.

Tomorrow our friend from Austin has a film at the Newport Film Festival. The trip is over an hour each way, and sadly our car maintenance situation is a bit precarious. But he’s an old friend, and I really want to support his film. Why haven’t we taken our car to the shop before (obvious reasons, we are sharing one car so it involves lots of logistics, and are scared it will be really expensive). Stomach knots already.

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