Insecurity Is My Friendly Shadow

Second guessing at every turn.
I guess it’s that time of year.
I guess it’s that time of life.
I guess it’s just me, doing that thing I do.
Doo doo doo wop de doo.

I think I have this vision of my life now, what I would like to be. Maybe.
Exactly half of the time I want it to be an authentic life, that’s not about writing. I want it to be about going to the beach, and noticing things, and enjoying art, and social activism.
The other half the time I want to be writing.

But which of those halves brings in the money to support the other half? Which of them is a half-time job?

I now have two internships for the summer, at TV shows. This semester I’ve had one class with a TV emphasis, and in the course of that time, I’ve gotten high on the idea of TV–thinking, “yeah, that could be the thing for me.” And then tumbling off that high. “I can’t do this, and I don’t really want to.”

So what to do? Take the internships because they could be different from what I think and the world is full of endless surprises? Go with my gut, that production work is seldom full of surprises. Use the money I have left to stay home and write write write while I still can? Get a job, so I can have that warm secure feeling of having money and the social status of being employed?

I can barely order off a menu at restaurant, I can’t imagine the taste of food in my mouth until it’s there. And even then, I can’t predict how it will make me feel afterwards. How can I pick a direction for my life?

Even as I write this however, it helps make things more clear.

I’ll get back to you.

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