Bowie Takes a Bow

Last night I checked out a monthly literary and music event called Library Girl. Each month the theme for the evening is inspired by a musical artist, and a line from a song. This evening’s inspiration was “Hot Tramp, I Love You So” from the David Bowie’s “Rebel Rebel,” one of those songs I don’t remember hearing for the first time, but which seems like it has been ever-present and familiar.

I attended the event because a friend was reading, not out of any great Bowie fandom, but the choice to go seemed particularly fitting when I saw the first obituary only a few hours after.

This morning I watched the music video released on his 69th birthday, two days before his death. It’s called “Lazarus.”

I’ve been extra aware, lately, of aging artists, and thinking about what it means to age as an artist, recognized or unrecognized. I was affected by this depiction, not only of dying, but of the continuing struggle to create, to think of the right phrase, to make art even through, even out of, the process of dying. So much comes into play in this video: Bowie’s age, his illness, his celebrity, his ironic stance. It’s not bombastic. I’d guess it’s exactly what he set out to make — a fitting goodbye.

I’ll keep this post short and wrap up with a poppy, boppy song that permeated my teen years, the kind of song that I could imagine (if not remember) being a pep-band song at our basketball games:

Least Favorite Night of the Year

My yearly scans: colonscopy, endoscopy, various ultrasounds and a trip to the dermatologist, are like my annual mini-gauntlet that must be run before the pleasant holidays.  The first on that list is, of course, the least favorite, due to the day of fasting, followed by the night-long uncomfortable evening of “prep.”

That evening was last night.  To make up for the lack of sleep, food, and physical comfort, I try to offer myself other pleasures in the form of reading or watching multiple episodes of a TV show (TV tends to work a better than movies because frequent bathroom breaks are somehow more conducive TV.

Last night I checked out Master of None, the Netflix series created by Aziz Ansari and loved it.

I spent some time trying to figure out the ongoing mystery why my friends keep liking our Lovers In Their Right Mind Facebook page but they don’t show up on our counter and we can’t seem to break the the 500 fans threshold. Although some Facebook support pages indicate that this is due to people’s privacy settings, this seems inaccurate in our case, and more and like a ploy to back us into a corner where we have to pay to “boost” our visibility, but before falling prey to my own cynicism I decided to call my brother and making him play with his privacy settings.  It made no difference, so my cynicism is intact, but we also got a chance to chat and I found out he also has a blog, related to learning science and his current job working with education and underprivileged youth. It’s pretty groovy.

Today the “procedure” went okay, but for the fact the surgeon had to remove some tissue and fasten the wound with clips. Not to worry, he says, I  just need to eat clear liquids for two days, after which I can have not-clear liquids for two more days.  By no means the worst outcome (as I know from having worse outcomes) but it definitely sucked some of my joy to look forward to eating something delicious this evening and then learn that I will be liquid-fasting for four more days.

But I can’t feel too sorry for myself because over the weekend I finished reading my friend Dan’s harrowing memoir Home is Burning, wherein his dad, increasingly paralyzed by ALS, goes on a feeding tube for the last months of his life — the end of solid food — and then dies.  So that’s some perspective, I guess.  As long as I can avoid getting hit by a truck in the next four days, non-liquid food is almost certainly in my future.

Three Years Ago Today

Facebook has this thing now where it randomly shows you a picture from your timeline on a random anniversary of when it first appeared. Last week it showed me this one:

DragonCon B

I’m standing outside the convention center at Dragon Con in Atlanta, checking out the line of people waiting to see the big-screen premiere of Paul’s movie Rock Jocks.

What’s less visible is that I’m also standing there with a new cancer diagnosis that I got about a week before we were due in Atlanta…

…Which was about two days before I got word that the studio where my script that was in development had accepted my draft…but wanted a new writer.

As you can imagine, I have mixed feelings when I look at this picture, taken at a moment when so many futures seemed possible.

Paul’s movie was finished. It had (kind of) famous people in it. Several people (including Paul) thought it might launch his career, get him representation and more opportunities.

My script was on the development slate at a studio.  If it got made, I could be able to pay off my school loans, get representation and other opportunities.

The cancer, according to the biopsy and my doctors, was an aggressive one. The surgeon I met with was committed to an equally aggressive procedure, worried that otherwise the future didn’t look bright.

In case you’re waiting in suspense, rest assured that three years later, neither the surgeon’s direst predictions, nor the promises and  predictions of execs and producers came to pass. Our lives are very similar to what they were three years ago.

However, things didn’t just “stay the same.”  There were ups and downs… it just happened to turn out that the end result was sameness.

For no good reason, I feel like that up-and-down journey should have taught me something.  I’m not sure it did, but I’m going to share some thoughts anyway, cuz this is my blog and I can do what I want.

Things I have come to believe since this picture was taken:

  1. It doesn’t help to buy into people’s drama.
  2. No matter what it looks like, nobody can predict the future.
  3. Even though no one–including you–can predict your future, you still have to take responsibility for it as much as you can.

Here’s some examples that I think support my beliefs:

On the health front, I didn’t panic when I got the cancer diagnosis—(there’s an ironic advantage to having cancer a second time) and I didn’t buy into the first surgeon’s drama. I found a different surgeon who was willing to listen to my wishes and consider my individual circumstances. The surgery we chose was less invasive, and less likely to impair my quality of life down the road. Today I enjoy good health, and while there was loss, I feel okay about it—I think because I took an active role in making the decision.

Professionally… neither Paul’s nor my projects met with their hoped-for success. That’s pretty common, but I believe I feel less good than I could about those experiences because in both cases, I think we didn’t take a much responsibility as we might have. We let ourselves be in awe of the hierarchy and put too much faith into people who had titles like “producer” and “executive, ” and who worked for companies with names.  It’s hard to know exactly what we should have done differently…or what we would do differently now. But maybe in the writing process I could have asserted my authority as a writer and better resisted bad ideas instead of trying to make them work. With Rock Jocks, when we saw there was no real marketing I wonder what would have happened if we took it on the road ourselves.

There were a lot of reasons we didn’t do those things. Lack of experience for one, and lack of resources for another–it would have been an almost impossible drain of money and time to arrange a tour, and travel and promotional materials all at the same time I was having cancer.  On top of that we didn’t want to overstep boundaries, not really understanding what those boundaries were. It was our first time out of the gate, so I’m not mad at us—but I associate our inability to take active roles at key moments to the twinge of disappointment I feel when I recall these two potential “big-break” opportunities than didn’t live up to their potential.

So…

Cancer and making movies – two very different experiences that actually have striking similarities:

  • Both intense when you are going through them.
  • Both will keep you up at night and haunt your dreams.
  • Both arrive on your doorstep with authorities (doctors, producers etc.) to give you guidance and talk about “being on your team.”
  • Both are highly emotional situations where it’s easy to confuse peoples’ relationship with your project (or illness) as being a relationship with you. (It’s not. Even when they have a great bedside manner. It’s not.)
  • Both are cases where the people around you are obligated to make choices that are “defendable.”  Sometimes those will be the perfect choices for you. Sometimes not so much.
  • Both are cases where the only person willing to question questionable choices is you.
  • Both great examples of how no one cares about your health as much as you. No one cares about your script as much as you. No one cares about your movie or your career as much as you.

I get that at a certain points you have to put yourself in the hands of other people. You can’t do surgery on yourself. You can’t single-handedly finance and make a movie. You can’t know everything and control everything.

Still…

Three years later, I feel like I’m again at a point of opportunity. My plan is to learn as much as I can; do as much work as I’d do if I were my own, even if it seems like I won’t be; really appreciate the help I am given–at the same time understanding it might be temporary.

Will any of that make things work out better than they did three years ago? Well, no one can predict the future…

but I hope I’ll feel better about it either way.

Lately…

Lately I’ve been writing quite a lot, along with my co-writer.  In the last three weeks we finished a full draft of a screenplay, which is faster than I’ve ever written a first draft–but it wasn’t pretty, and honestly neither is the draft.  Which is not to disparage it–you don’t disparage a big lump of clay that vaguely resembles an elephant–it’s not bad, it’s too early for it to be good or bad.  Unless, of course, you put it on display with other people’s more finished elephants, and say it should look like an elephant–which is (of course) what we have done, submitting applications to the Film Independent and Sundance Labs.  Whatever.  The deadlines were helpful in softening the clay and doing the initial elephant, so maybe that is the reward in itself.

The first deadline was May 1st, and the second was May 5th.  Even if you have drafted some of the materials, like artistic statements, synopses, and cover letters, the last days before these deadlines always involve a five and six hours sessions of revising and polishing, so by the evening of the fifth I was pretty fried–getting home a little late to start the prep for my annual round of “medical screenings” on the 6th.  Yes–those screenings.

I arrived at the hospital in my normal state–cleaned out and dehydrated–and realized we were doing an upper endoscopy as well as the colonoscopy, and discovered that since I apparently gagged a little on the tube the last go round, I was getting a deeper general anesthesia this time.

The doctor found a  few things in both stomach and colon to remove–which everyone seems to take in stride, but it’s not my favorite news to get — it makes me feel like there’s some failure in the system.  Either I’ve been laxer in my diet, or my body is just getting old and deteriorating–my telomeres are getting shorter or whatever. I know  it’s  both, though I only have control over one. I’ve been going with the flow, eating meat  just to be agreeable and giving in to my sugar cravings. I have not been juicing vegetables and eating a ton of cabbage.  The thought of re-establishing all sorts of discipline makes me tired, especially when my whole body is bloated from being inflated with air, and sore from being snipped at.

I stayed home from work yesterday and went today.  This afternoon at my desk I was thinking that I feel like my life force is being sucked out of me. Moments after I thought this, the doctor called today to say they need to cut something out that they “couldn’t do on Tuesday,” so it turns out I’ll need to do it the whole song and dance again in a month.

Not to fear, the something they are cutting is “not cancer,” so it’s a high-class problem for someone who is part of a demographic that is highly susceptible to cancer.  Still, I’m throwing myself a very tiny pity party anyway as I am not fond of these tests, and in two weeks I’m also having and MRI and an x-ray to make sure that the back pain I’m been having is also of the “not cancer” variety.

Let’s all pray that I don’t look back and wish for tonight’s problems.  Count your blessings and be grateful for them, otherwise, when there’s fewer blessings to count, you have to look back and feel like an asshole.

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Nothing Seems Fair, Part 2

In my last post I mentioned my friend who is having issues with his health and posted on Facebook the status, “nothing seems fair anymore.”  His post got an overwhelming response, because he has so many friends who love him, and also, i think because they are words that hit a cord with all of us.  Because we all suffer, and we all cannot help but notice that some of us seem to suffer more than others.  And what is that all about?  How can we reconcile that we want things, but we don’t get the things that we want–other people get them.  And the things we have, other people want:  Jobs, respect, human rights, health, economic security, freedom from fear and pain. What can we do to avoid being overwhelmed by the UNFAIRNESS of it all?

Last night I attended this mindfullness group I sometimes go to on campus after work.  We had a guest speaker who talked about neuroplasticity, and how we can form new neural pathways and change our temperments and the way we think and feel about events and circumstances. Apparently, through evolution, humans have developed a negative bias when we look at the world, because back in the day it wasn’t as important to remember all the nights that you ducked into a cave and it was empty so you had a good sleep or campfire with roasted elk-meat as it was  to remember the one time you ducked into a cave and found a BEAR inside. The UNPLEASANT experience of running from the bear and shivering in the cold hiding behind a rock was the one you needed to remember in order to avoid the bear caves in the future!

Nowadays, the “negative bias” doesn’t always serve us so well. Say twenty people compliment your outfit but one person makes a snide remark. In this case, focusing on the one negative comment is unnecessary for survival, and bad for your mood. All else being equal, why not think about the nice things that people said, and be happier? And maybe because you’re happier, you’ll be nicer and maybe that will lead to better relationships…etc.

However  (according to this guest speaker’s summary of several books), because we aren’t naturally wired to think about the good things, we have to consciously practice, until our brains starts to do it naturally.  Much of it sounded very similar to cultivating gratitude, of which I’m a fan.

The speaker  gave an example of an exercise where you find something pleasant but overlooked to meditate upon, like “how nice it is to breathe, to have enough air.”  When she said this, I thought, “that’s right! It is pretty awesome to breathe.” And I felt grateful!

WARNING: This is where I should end this blog post, but instead I’m going to veer off track…

…which I think maybe our guest speaker did as well, as I think what she said next was something that occurred to her in the moment and not part of her teaching plan. She said, “I have a friend who has cancer, and when we talked the other day, he told me he was having trouble breathing, that he couldn’t get enough air anymore.”

I think she simply intended to just emphasize even how the simple act of breathing is something to appreciate, kind of like a parent tossing off an aside about being thankful for your food because of starving children in Africa. She didn’t dwell on it. But I did. I am still dwelling.

While statements about other people’s misfortunes can make us feel lucky, I’m not sure they make us happy.  I wonder what kind of neural pathways are formed if one makes a practice of appreciating a thing by contemplating that thing’s absence.

My seven-year-old niece once told me: “we don’t compare, because it doesn’t make anyone feel good,”  She’s right. At work, I’ve deposited monthly paychecks for people that equal my annual pay.  That comparison doesn’t make me happy.  Nor has the specter of starving children ever enhanced my enjoyment of a meal.

Basically, I think comparisons don’t make me feel good, because they highlight what seems to be the inherent lack of fairness in the universe. Not that the universe is intentionally unfair, it’s just that the dice shake out how they do.

Through my two cancer experiences, I experienced emotional and physical pain and I came to know a fair number of people with their own pain. On the other side now (as much as anyone reaches the other side) I am frequently–habitually–grateful for the absence of pain. I’m thankful for every test result that doesn’t predict more pain.  I’m incredibly thankful for my everyday life.  But at the same time — maybe because my work with cultivating gratitude has its roots in illness — I’m acutely aware that my state of blessed health has a random quality to it.  While I healed and my pain went away, others, equally deserving, did not heal. There are people who deal with chronic pain, who are suffering even as I am not suffering. I’m also aware that my own suffering can return at any unexpected moment.

I believe I’ve gotten pretty good at appreciating things great and small which makes me a generally a grateful person. But somehow I’ve also gotten in the habit of, in almost the same moment, considering the tenuous, ephemeral and random nature of whatever thing I’m appreciating, which adds a dollop of sadness onto my gratitude.

On one had I am grateful for, you know, life, because it’s amazing! But on the other hand, my friend is absolutely right: Nothing seems fair, because nothing is. And those are two pretty big and heavy concepts to lift at the same time.

 

Scroll back up and click on that “Neuroplasticity” link. It’s a 2-minute video that’s interesting.

The book being discussed by our speaker was called Hardwiring Happiness.

The author did a TED talk.

You might be interested in this cliff’s Notes Version (actually About.com) of the Buddha’s views on suffering.

Here’s an article suggested by this widget that’s attached to my blog: