Why Do I Keep Doing Things That Terrify Me?

I’m directing a short film.
I’m starting a weekly Substack newsletter.
There’s a 90% chance that by the end of the day I will sign up for a class that will force me to pitch paid publications.

All of these things have been on my to-do list for awhile, but I have not done them.
But right now I’m feeling a desire to pull the trigger on these things. This desire has unknown origins, but it is not unfamiliar. It is a desire that pokes its head up very intermittently and causes present-me to set events and projects in motion that future-me will then have to navigate and carry out long after the desire to do so has beyond diminished and she is reduced to a frenzied ball of “Oh-God-just-let-me-get-through-this-and-I-will-never-put-us-in-this-position again.”

During the pandemic I wrote an article for Emry’s Journal that described this process in some detail. It all holds true.

More on this topic in coming days.

2022 Recap (“It Was A Ride, But We Didn’t Fall Off”)

(This year I decided to do two versions of a year-end newsletter, the first was a “professional” one that I finished and sent at the end of November, (you know, like a professional). And for family and friends, this version from me and Paul that —no surprise—is a couple days late, a little messier, with a dollop of over-sharing! 😉)

SPRING of 2022 came outta the gate bucking and kicking. First up, a bunch of medical stuff associated with my end-of-2021 colon cancer diagnosis. We got a surgery on the books on the surgeon’s only free slot—a day in early April that coincided with our wedding anniversary. Meanwhile, our house entered its 4th month of being wrapped in plastic as our landlord waited on a permit to do some repairs, one of our cars was stolen, and then three weeks later the other was hit while parked. 

But… we got to drive a fancy insurance-paid rental to the Sedona Festival, where we had so much fun and Paul’s film (as a producer) Americanish won Best Comedy Feature. SFF takes great care of its filmmakers, with food, lodging and parties. We met beautiful folks that we’ll keeping in touch with as well caught up with old friends who drove from the Phoenix area to see us! 

In April, surgery went well with no adjuvant treatments needed! Paul heroically withstood my resentful looks as he jabbed me with needles full of blood thinners for the first month of recovery, and my mom, Kathleen, hosted me at her apartment for two weeks feeding me from my “no fiber” list of approved foods and giving me a view from windows not covered in plastic!

(Her heroism is continuous, as soon after, we received news that her brother, my Uncle Bruce, had been injured in a car accident. She has been splitting her time between Indiana and Texas for much of the year.) 

SUMMER adventures included Paul deciding to take Brazilian Jiu Jitsu classes. Extrovert that he is, he invited three friends to attend the free trial class with him. It’s all fun and games until one of your friends has a heart attack right after class!😬 The attack was minor and the friend is fine. Paul is continuing his BJJ journey… the friend decided it wasn’t for him.

I struggled with what in my theater days we called “post show depression”— when you finish an all-consuming project and then realize you still have to deal with emails, housekeeping,  bills and figuring out what to do with the rest of your life. Lacking focus for my own writing projects, I was happy when things picked up employment wise—I began gigs writing for a digital comic and producing some events at Mattel.

Paul continued to assist and consult individual writers and directors in addition to work on his own projects. It’s the nature of the entertainment business for things to alternate from extremely promising to whelp that’s over! so often that one learns to just ride the bronco, but he did he let himself get excited about a certain writing job that felt very close, and so was extra disappointed when it didn’t work out.

We had a lovely weekend break at the beach, celebrating the 80th birthday of Paul’s mom, Noi and his brother’s family.

By FALL the wild horse of 2022 seemed finally to tire. We woke one morning to the sound of workers pulling the plastic away from our bedroom windows. Paul got good news that a large studio is acquiring Americanish for distribution. (A lot of documents and “deliverables” makes this a long process, but we’re hopeful it will land at a streaming channel near you sometime soon!)

During the Halloween season it was fun to see our previous year’s episode of Creepshow highlighted in the show’s advertising, and built into the the hand of the six-foot tall animatronic “Creep” sold at party stores. (Pics below!)

WINTER brought very special and fun times traveling and visiting friends in Texas, Turkey and The Netherlands, and we were fortunate to have family nearby during the holidays, though we missed having Mom.

THROUGHOUT THE YEAR WE REALLY ENJOYED old friends visiting from Florida, Georgia, Texas, Brazil and Ireland, and sharing space with housemates who, in turn, shared their knowledge and interests, from tarot card reading to podcast producing! We loved going back to movie theaters, and taking yoga classes in a studio again.

ALL’S WELL THAT ENDS WELL. We’re ending 2022 in good health and good spirits, and a lot of gratitude for feeling hope and possibility as we look to the future. 

ON DECK IN 2023 I’ve recently committed to posting short video content for 300 days and now I have to follow through. I have no idea what this project will morph into or how long it will last, but right now, it’s mostly “slice of life” stuff, so if you miss us and want random glimpses into our daily lives, you can check in on TikTok or Instagram). 

Paul has started us on a jogging regimen called Couch to 5K, he’s also giving up between-meal snacking for the first quarter of 2023. He’ll continue to be part of two special-interest podcasts: Gamebrain, for hard-core board-gamers, and Star Trek Discovery Pod for Star Trek aficionados. He’s written a really cute horror short to direct in 2023.

OUR WARMEST WISHES FOR THE NEW YEAR
The funnest, warm-fuzziest moments of the year were the ones where we got to connect with friends old and new. We hope this year brings you everything you wish for most and a little more

With a lot of love and warm wishes,

B & Paul

P.S. TOO MANY PICS (that I can’t figure out how to resize):

6-foot Animatronic Creep Guy
Comic book with Creepy Title reading Time Out

(He’s reading our episode, TIME OUT!)

2022 Recap #1 (“Everything is Awesome”)

This year I decided to do two versions of a year-end newsletter. This is the one I sent at the end of November to entertainment industry contacts and folks from that arena. It is work-focused, accentuates the positive and politely doesn’t mention the negative. Privately, I think of it as the “Everything is Awesome, I’m Awesome and You Should Hire Me” Edition… Enjoy!

Happy End-of-Year Greetings!

2022 was a topsy-turvy year, but there was still good fun to be had.

WORK: I was super-happy for opportunities to use my writing and production skill sets this year by:

  • Writing my first DIGITAL COMIC. Based on I.P., it follows an ex-mobster’s adventures in the afterlife.
  • Crafting mythology and lore for a VIRTUAL REALITY GAME where you are transported to a magical island to learn to meditate. (With frequent collaborator Paul Seetachitt.)
  • Producing VIDEOS and LIVE SHOWS at a major toy company.

CREATIONS: It’s always a burst of dopamine to see one’s creative work have a life out in the world:

  • TIME OUT, my segment of Creepshow (written with Paul Seetachitt), was featured in Shudder’s ads for the show and immortalized as a comic book in the hands of the six-foot animatronic Creep sold for Halloween!
  • Two original works (a pilot and a short story) were optioned by production companies who pitched them this year.
  • Flash fiction, MY HULK appeared in Altered Reality Magazine.
  • GIRL, WOLF, WOODSMAN will be published in Santa Monica Review this spring. A short story that imagines Little Red Riding Hood’s life after she’s “saved from the wolf.” There will likely be a live reading, and I get paid in unlimited contributors copies, so let me know if you’d like to be on the list for either of those!

ADVENTURE:

  • I am coming out of the closet as a Solar Return traveler. That’s a person who lets an astrologist recommend where in the world she should be on her Solar Return (aka birthday) to optimize her horoscope for the coming year. This year’s destination is Samsun, Turkey! In two days, I’ll be on a plane to Istanbul.

2023, LOOKING FORWARD:

  • Two pieces of fiction and three specs didn’t make it to the finish line this year. If I can pull them across in 2023, I’ll feel great satisfaction.
  • There’s a sweet horror short we’ll be trying to get in the can.
  • Work-wise, I’m fortunate to have a couple “holds” for jobs on the books, but also have some stretches where I am available. Need someone in or around a writers room (temp / sub or freelance)? Production support for an Indie-film? Or something new and interesting? Give me a shout!

Sending you my warmest wishes for satisfying work, whimsical adventures, health, happiness and love in the coming year!

Barrington

2021 Year End Recap

Things to be grateful for this (and every!) year: For the warm snoring bodies of the people we love next to us in the bed. For daily walks past people’s yards landscaped with strange desert flowers. For breathing clean air. For rainy days and cars that run. For creative impulses, and the time and ability to pursue them. For family, friends, and random moments of beauty shared with strangers. For sudden trips to far-off places. For the continuation of life. 

2021 in a Nutshell: 

⬆ B got to see old friends in Indiana.

⬆ We both got to see friends again in Los Angeles.

⬆ B took a trip to Argentina – it’s on a whole other CONTINENT, ya’ll!

⬇Paul had his gall bladder removed – it was stressful…

⬆ …but now he can eat Panda Express orange-flavored chicken again.

⬇Some household-maintenance issues that were not fun or short or cheap.

⬆B joined some writing groups and loved having an online writing community. 

⬆Paul was happy to go back to live board game groups, and recordings for his podcast group

⬆B achieved a 265-day Duolingo streak. (Como se llama at me, baby, I’m ready!)

⬆Paul and B got our first produced TV writing credit.  

⬆B won a prize for a short story, optioned a show, and got a TV agent. 

Americanish, which Paul produced, won prizes at almost every festival where they played! 

⬇Nobody sold a script or got a job in a writers room.

⬇ Some health stuff that we’ll talk about in a minute… 

But first,

Some Stuff We’ll Do in 2022!

Barrington:  

  • Exploring UX Writing and Content Design as a career path. No idea what this is? Doesn’t matter, just say “something with computers.”  The exciting thing for me is that the more I research, the more I’m finding that the many jobs and side-hustles I’ve juggled over the years have all been training me for a job in this field. Seriously, I might be The Karate Kid of UX Writing! 
  • I’m also committed to some Kondo-level decluttering this year, in my physical space and beyond. 

Paul: 

  • After threatening to start his own podcast for most of 2021, he says that 2022 could be the year he pulls the trigger!  Two potential titles are: Five Ticket Ride (there’s a story behind this one) and Paul Saves the World… featuring Patrick. (I’m assuming his friend Patrick is his partner in crime on this.) 
  • He’s keeping the faith for his various film projects breaking through, looking forward to the pandemic actually being over, visiting friends, traveling and, of course, winning the lottery.

Dumb Health Stuff I Don’t Want To Write

No one knows every hurdle a new year might bring, but in our case, the first one is already up to bat.  In October, I received a cancer diagnosis. It’s colon cancer, like once before in the past, but smaller. Really, so much smaller. It isn’t life-threatening, but there are varied opinions regarding what amount of surgical intervention will be necessary to remove it.  If you know me, you know that in addition to jumping through the traditional medical hoops of doctors, second opinions, etc., I’m also doing all the things like veggie juice, supplements, no-sugar, meditation, etc.

I am gratefully accepting prayers, healing thoughts, good vibes and any and all assorted types of woo-woo energy. If you need a mantra or something to manifest, try the phrase: stage R-zero.

If that’s too short, you can add: and Paul wins the lottery!  (This letter has been edited by Paul.)

Quick Wrap Up

That about wraps up 2021. Despite a few things that didn’t turn out as awesome as we hoped, we really did have a lot of fun times this year. Here’s a picture to show you that we’re still standing:

Proof of Life!

Sending lots of love and affection and our very best wishes for 2022,

Barrington and Paul

Why I’m Writing This on a Plane to Argentina

Dec 5, 2021

Wait, you’re probably thinking, Is she “literally” on a plan to Argentina, or is this going to be one of those posts where “flying to Argentina” is some weird metaphor? The answer is I am typing this on an American Airlines flight that just took off from Dallas Fort Worth, and in nine and a half hours will land in Buenos Aires.

The plane is full, it’s dimly lit. Some folks —including my traveling companion—have already taken their in-flight drugs and are sleeping, chins to chests. Glowing screens on the walls show our flight path, and more glowing screens on the seat backs silently play commercials, episodes of Ted Lasso, and movies with car chases and fight scenes. One contented baby is sleeping in the seat in front of me, while one discontented (and incredibly strong-lunged) baby cries across the aisle. It’s okay. I’m wearing earplugs.

But you don’t care about any of this – you’re wondering why I don’t get to the point and tell you why I’m on my way to Argentina. I’m procrastinating because the answer is a little embarrassing.

It’s because an astrologist told me to.

Some background:

A few years ago, a friend (who’d been having some good luck in love, career, etc,) told Paul that she had been consulting an astrologist, K, who specialized in Solar Returns. The idea has something to do with looking at the position of the stars when and where you were born and somehow using that information to calculate where your “best stars” are for any given year. The astrologist then recommends where on the globe you should spend her birthday, in order to mitigate transits that might be unlucky, and optimize what can be optimized.

That was the first year that, for our anniversary, Paul got us readings from K. I can’t say I exactly believe in the astrology, but I do believe in affirmations, and it seemed like taking a trip with one’s goals in mind is a strong affirming action. And it could also be fun. At the same time, it always feels a little “out there” to spend a lot of time effort and resources on an astrology trip… at least for me, if something feels too frivolous it becomes more stressful than fun. Paul is someone who takes big swings more in stride. He sometimes enjoys something more because it verges on the ridiculous!

For the last few years, things worked out in terms of our personalities. The first year I had the option of making a road trip to Eureka, California, while Paul went to Japan. The next year, I took a two hour flight on Southwest to Loreto, Mexico, while Paul journeyed to a small town in Italy. Last year, because of the pandemic, we told the astrologist to just give her best shot within driving distance. I got Goleta, California (near Santa Barbara) while Paul took a longer trip to Arizona.

But this year, when our recommendations arrived, the tables had turned. K noted that that even if Paul stayed in Los Angeles, it would be “neutral,” though he might improve his horoscope with a fairly easy trip to Hawaii.

But after that she said:

For Barrington the choice is much more difficult. She will have very bad transit trends for health this year (Saturn for about 4 months puts health at risk), so we need to do ASR possibly very protective for health and without dangerous values! In view of the heavy transits, I would like to offer you the best possible horoscope for health protection and throughout the US there are NO places that are completely safe! This means that I could NEVER make the positive prediction with birthday 2021 in the US (too bad stars).

Then she offered up my BEST options, which she said would be “VERY protective for health, with success in all kinds of projects and extraordinary benefits for human relationships and love, money and carrier.”

They were specific cities in:

Paraguay, Uruguay, Brazil, Argentina and Guyana.

The second best choice was in Barbados, which she said was protective for health, projects and relationships but with some stress for money with extra expenses throughout the year, (apparently because of Mars in the 2nd House—something astrologers will understand but not me). A third option was Guam. Lastly, she included Boston, although she described this as “NOT a completely safe horoscope. I can only propose it as a ‘less worse’ emergency solution.”

None of these were the kind of easy, inexpensive trip I was hoping for. Distracted by other things happening that evening— like watching our Creepshow episode for the first time and doing fun prep for a morning colonoscopy—I put it out of my mind.

Until, twelve hours later, I received the completely-out-of-the-blue cancer diagnosis.

Which certainly felt like a coincidence right after the big health warning. In several years, K has never been quite so specific or adamant about health. I figured it couldn’t hurt to explore the options. And, of course, planning a trip is more fun than planning a cancer journey…

Our friend Brazil didn’t have time for a road trip to the recommended city of Curitiba, and said he wouldn’t recommend trying to drive there from Sao Paulo during monsoon season.

Guyana—just a hop from Miami—was the closest and cheapest, but it had big red travel advisories for both Covid and a huge recent crime surge.

But then my friend, A, said, “I’ve been thinking about going to Argentina.” She speaks much better Spanish than me, and has a friend in Argentina who wants to show us around his city, which is midway between Buenos Aires and my “magic birthday destination” of Bahia Blanca. We’ve been friends for a long time, but have never traveled together and the idea started to seem more fun. Clearly, I’m at a place where the future is feeling uncertain, so… why not?

I’ll say again that I probably don’t believe in astrology, specifically. But from experience, I have to acknowledge that sometimes the universe gives you enough little pushes.

And that’s why I’m writing this post on a plane to Argentina!